


The [Redacted] adventures of Captain Dorito and Sergeant Sassypants

by eurydicesays



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: BAMF Bucky Barnes, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Captain America Steve Rogers/Modern Bucky Barnes, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone has their sassy pants on, Fashion disaster oc, Human Disaster Clint Barton, Humor, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Canon Compliant, Thor/ Bruce if you squint, Why Did I Write This?, swiss knife ironman armour, you can pry jarvis out of my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 13:24:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18757297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eurydicesays/pseuds/eurydicesays
Summary: Bucky clearly isn't getting paid enough for this bullshit, "I have had it with all these motherfucking supervillains in this motherfucking tower".The Falcon squints at him, "that sounds suspiciously like something Fury would say".Bucky doesn't even spare him a glance as he grabs a sharpie and stalks towards evil scientist #53, "ding ding ding bitch, it's a direct quote".~In which Bucky Barnes defeats a supervillain with office supplies and tough words, Thor is cupid, Clint is stupid, and Captain America gets a crush ft. Crazy Frog by Axel F





	The [Redacted] adventures of Captain Dorito and Sergeant Sassypants

**Author's Note:**

> *Rollerblades into a burning, post endgame fandom with an Unbetaed One-Shot and absolutely no sense of timeline* Logic can't stop me. *chucks this shit at you and runs away*

Bucky is having a Bad Day (his therapist's words not his) (he personally finds it funnier to categorize his stages of recovery as Sucky Bucky and Lucky Bucky. Oh God. Maybe That is why he needs to see Dr Roberta in the first place). He is sleep deprived and hopped up on caffeine, his head feels like it could split into two, and the goddamn F train's late again. 

His job at Stark Industries as Fileworker Extraordinaire (Stark's words not his), is a compromise between the then Shield and the now Avengers; he sits in his cubicle all day, reading mission reports written by the Earth's Mightiest And Most Grammatically Incorrect, occasionally redacting confidential information (and censoring Stark's unnecessary quips) before uploading the files to Coulson's servers. He'd worked with Fury before, who was one scary motherfucker, and before that he'd been in the army and had been captu- nevermind. He doesn't Love love the job, but it pays the bills, and it is rather fun to be able to analyze fight patterns and sift out mistakes of those considered invincible; he misses the on-field combat himself sometimes. He wants to point those discrepancies out to them before it costs them in a legitimate battle, but he's never really gotten around to taking the elevator 12 floors higher than his (and no this has nothing to do with Captain America and if he would be offended and if he would get irritated even if Bucky knows that he wouldn't because Steve Rogers is kind and smart and pretty much perfe- shut up brain). 

The train arrives, jostling him out of his thoughts, and after a brief and jerky ride from Brooklyn to Manhattan (where a woman jumped into the seat he was two inches away from and was reserved for the disabled, Karen, so if harsh sunlight reflected strategically into her eyes from his metal prosthetic the whole while, he surely wasn't to be blamed), he settles down in at his desk and begins his work.

There are three reports of the Avengers' mission in Prague the previous night awaiting him on his desktop: Bruce Banner, who can't be very descriptive because he forgets whatever happens after he hulks out, and always signs off with a sheepish 'sorry for the property damage', Natasha Romanov, whose reports Bucky doesn't even bother to edit because he knows they will be fully tight lipped and absolutely professional and so competent (he's a bit of a black widow fanboy, but then again she's amazing and reminds him a little of his sister Becca, so bite him) and finally Captain Rogers. Sweet Self depreciating Steve, with his 'i'm sorry the wind blew east and caused the explosion to destroy two more bricks than i allowed myself to blow, it was probably my fault to not predict the whims of mother nature accurately' and with his 'here is the Best Tactical Plan Of The Goddamn Century, accounting for minimal loss of property and having about zero collateral damage, but I mean it's whatever right'. Bucky kind of wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him (and also feel those firm patriotic shoulder muscles for himsel- yeah. he has it bad).

He grabs his black marker and starts working on the files. By the time he reaches Cap's, he is 20 minutes into the Hamilton musical on his headphones, has loosened his tie and rolled up his sleeves. That was probably why he doesn't hear the intruder alarm sound on the office speakers (Stark has set the notification tone to Crazy Frog- which is as good an adjective for him as any). His coworkers begin trudging towards the reinforced rooms on the emergency floor. They are so used to the drill that Jonathan from HR stops by the coffee machine and takes a few minutes to perfect his foam art before grabbing his cup and leaving. It is then that Bucky sees Janice from accounting sweep some Monte Blancs into her bag, realises they are in the middle of a Tower siege, and also realises he doesn't really care enough to point out the three cameras in the room to her. He simply ties his hair into a low ponytail and starts dicking around with one of the paragraphs on the Rogers report on the computer,

...hostage situation had been take care of by Ironman and Hawkeye, who had unfortunately run out of arrows and was beating hydra officials with what appeared to be an improvised nun-chuck with thermos bottles for handles. I assisted Thor in infiltrating the base via second entrance located on the lower eastern corridor through personally supervised contained explosion because of the thick steel walls (7 1/2 inches). Equipment found was - two metal chairs, several hand grenades, few wrecking balls, no less than seven leather handcuffs (which Stark called Hydra friendship bracelets?), and standard issue artillery (Stark said the store resembled Grey's Dungeon? Kindly confirm if description is satisfactory). My peers have confiscated the artifacts and we also found some lab-mice. kindly care for them... 

turning it into

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -take - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - out - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a - - - - - - - - - - - - - thermos - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - because - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - balls - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -store - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - pee - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

He chuckles heartily. You see, he is a bit of a poet himself. 

At this moment, two things happen. a) this bizarre looking man in a costume that would put Mysterio to shame, armed with- is thAT A MOTHERFUCKING ROCKET LAUNCHER- and -are those some motherfucking six legged flying robot minions painted oRANGE AND PURPLE WHY- drops out of the ceiling, and b) seven spandex-clad super-powered dummies come tumbling into the room, guns blazing, and it is all very heartwarming and wide-screen-slow-motion-single-rotating-shot-worthy (Jarvis plays the Avengers Theme Song simply because he has been programmed to do so, and the notes somehow manage to sound resentful). 

Bucky takes the scene in, calmly pauses his Hamilton, turns around on his wheeled chair, and waits for them to negotiate with the wannabe supervillian. Instead of this, bullets begin spraying on both sides. You see, this is a perfectly normal thing to do, but only if you are in a football field, not in a fucking 40x60 ft office that can't even fit the hulk and Thor, let alone allow them to start this Bruce lee meets 300 return of the empire bullshit.

He clears his throat, and starts with a firm "stop". Almost immediately a ceasefire is established, Clint Barton falls down from the vent, and looks up to the ceiling with a confused "is that Jarvis or Jesus?". "it's me" Bucky sighs, and Clint manages to look even more confused than he had been before, "Woah dude, Jesus is ripped". 

It is Tony who breaks the exasperated silence of the rest of the team by pointing towards Bucky's computer screen- "what is THAT", he exclaims and Bucky momentarily panics before pressing F9 and locking the screen. The stark industries screen saver logo bounces happily around the periphery of the monitor, and two assassins, one thawed supersoldier and his snarky black sidekick, one norse god, one green-freak-of-science, one geniusbillionareplayboyphilanthropist and one underage supervillian with awful fashion choices watch with bated breath for it to reach the top right corner. Romanov looks like she could force it to move with willpower alone, and Bucky isn't going to fully dismiss the idea. Then the Inevitable happens, and the logo bounces along haplessly from the top border to the right, and eight frustrated exhales are heard before the shooting continues at full blast.

"ENOUGH", Bucky thunders, and the occupants of the room are startled so much that everybody actually freezes in their place and blinks owlishly in his general direction. Bucky clearly isn't getting paid enough for this bullshit, "I am so done with all these motherfucking supervillians in this motherfucking tower". The Falcon squints at him, "that sounds suspiciously like something Fury would say". Bucky doesn't even spare him a glance as he grabs a sharpie and stalks towards evil scientist #53, "ding ding ding bitch, it's a direct quote". 

He draws a line with his marker about halfway through the room and sends the villain ("hey bro my name is Reckoner The Brutal") to one side of it, and the avengers to the other. Steve briefly wonders if this. Civillian? (Didn't Tony sound the alarm and clear the complex?) is going to make them sort out the Mexican Standoff with a Tug of War, when Bucky approaches "Reckoner The Brutal".  
Aforementioned evil scientist is a 5 ft nothing stick of a man and "are you wearing a Yankees tee under your purple cape?". He flushes slightly and before he can reply, Bucky grabs a stapler from a nearby desk and staples the two bellowing ends of his -curtain? cloak? together. It is barely a restraintment, rather like a crab keeping a crocodile's jaws shut with his pincers, but it works, and the surprised cocoon drops his weapons. The man looks like he's spent his life in his parent's garage, and a physical battle is taking its toll on him. His clearly homemade eye mask (orange with purple sparkles deAR GAWD THIS WOULD GIVE THE FAB FIVE A CARDIAC ARREST) is hanging crookedly on one ear, and he is wearing spectacles behind it. Bucky glares at him long enough for him to start shaking, and that snaps Bucky out of his rage. All he feels now is pity- this man is clearly shitting his pants. He softens his Murder Face into his I'm Just Gonna Shoot You In Your Kneecaps Face. It does not seem to have it's desired comforting effect. He goes with, "why did you do that". "To take over the world?" Reckoner squeaks, but it comes out more as question. "Alright Dr Doofenshmirtz. One more try. Nothing that you'd rather be doing? What about your parents? Villainy is not easy. I could give you number of a career counselor. What is it with New Yorkers and taking the easiest fucking way out. Call off your minion robots and complete your fucking degree you mook". "Reckoner" (Bucky is mentally making finger quotes around it to prevent Death By Secondhand Cringe) is a college dropout who likes Chess, Barbecue Lays, Elon Musk's twitter account, and had lost his parents in the battle of New York (as convenient a vaudevillian origin story as any, but goddamnit the kid needs therapy, not bootleg alien technology. These are what Dr Roberta called Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms) and he had to drop out of his Digital Interface Designing course because he had bad insurance . Bucky casts a meaningful look at Stark and a few seconds later, Jarvis announces that a sum of twenty five grand has been transferred to the account of one Mr. Gilbert. (seriously? Gilbert? Bucky reconsiders his assumptions, maybe the origin story started in the 'early childhood' part of his wikipedia page; his actual name almost makes his Xbox username slash supervillian pseudonym sound rad).

Steve notices how much the Hot Angry Guy gesticulates as he speaks (Clint ducks thrice from the trajectory of his metal palm before he gets the memo (he had broken his nose twice already and Coulson would'nt stop making 'Clint nose what's up' jokes and oh god laughing hurts yes I'd like a sandwich Phil honey thank you) and moves away to a safe one meter radius and Tony's head bobs comically, his eyes tracing the prosthetic like a cat chasing laser beams), but Steve only had eyes for him. He is dressed in business formals, shirt sleeves rolled up on muscular forearms and ponytail loosening into open shoulder length hair. Steve's mouth goes dry, and Natasha smirks knowingly at him. By the time Bucky's rant dwindles into an almost motherly scolding, Gilbert has reconsidered most of his life choices and is promising to model videogame characters after him and the avengers. 

Tony claps his hands (with the gauntlets on, so it sounds somewhat like a cymbal crash) and makes a start towards the elevator, "as much as it warms the cockles of my cold black heart to see the wonders of empathy and reform a la Bishop's Candlesticks, I have some tinkering to do. Au Revoir, Plastics", but Bucky slides in front of him and stops him in his tracks, "not so fast, tincan". Tony squawks indignantly and splutters in protest. Bucky simply slides his visor shut like the lid of a garbage bin. The spluttering noises continue, slightly muffled, but the rest of the team look thankful anyway. 

Bucky strides towards the Hulk, who is sitting on the floor, mindlessly playing with Thor's hair. Interesting. He begins with a "can you turn back into Dr Banner please?" which is met with an annoyed grunt. No physical harm- that is a good sign, right? He continues, "come on buddy, you'll hurt yourself". hulk's eyes widen comically before he slowly turns pink and naked and looks up at him, somewhat touched, "no one cares if I hurt myself", Banner mumbles sleepily, eyelids drooping. "nope. food first" and Bucky shoos him to his quarters to get dressed and fed. He is wrapped up in Thor's cape, wearing his spectacles and fuzzy bunny eared slippers that mysteriously appeared out of the Ironman armour. He nods his thanks and shuffles out. 

Bucky turns his full attention towards Tony. This is going to be fun. "I have a few pointers". Tony cocks his head to the side, because despite what everybody believes, he knows accepting constructive criticism could mean the difference between a successful mission and becoming a (very costly) red and gold scrap metal pancake.  
"your repulsors need fine tuning for indoor scenarios, and you need work on the visibility scopes for low light recon". Tony doesn't question him, simply mulls over the facts and nodded slightly. His "you also need sleep", however, elicits a disproportionately loud and dramatic "sleep is for the weak". 

Bucky smirks and turns to Clint, and smacks his (gloved and bright purple JEESUS) hand away from his ear before he can turn off his hearing aids, causing a look of dazed awe.  
"you need more fucking arrows".  
"hey! eleven's standard, twelve is a tight fit"  
"I, for a fact, know that Stark has a garlic crusher in his Ironman suit, so give him your quiver and let him work his magic, or does twenty first century technology not match your prehistoric weapons' aesthetic?". That gets a loud laugh out of him, and he seems like a chill guy. Two down. 

Steve is reminded a little of Basic, and how Peggy had inspected the trainees, with her sharp wit and intimidating eyes.

Bucky turns to Thor, who is watching him with an amused smile and anticipation. Bucky can't fault him on his fighting style, but "wear your comm unit during missions Thor, I know you fry them, but again, there's tony." "ALRIGHT, MIGHTY WARRIOR", Thor booms, "I SEE THE IMPORTANCE OF COORDINATION IN A TEAM. I WILL WEAR THESE TINY CONTRAPTIONS OF YOURS". Bucky is pretty sure Thor is way smarter than he pretends to be, and simply bursts electricity through his bluetooths to escape Stark's mid-mission SNL sketches.

Standing to Thor's right is the dreamy man starring a lead role in all (okay, 90%, the rest were Tom Hardy) of Bucky's deepest and darkest fantasies, looking devastatingly handsome in his stealth suit, and peering at him from beneath his eyelashes. Bucky finds himself tongue tied and sweaty palmed, but the universe comes to his rescue; one last robot minion starts buzzing outside the window, thumping against the panes like a moth on a lamp. On any other ordinary day (by Stark Industries Employee Standards), Bucky would have found these antics endearing in a way only particularly lazy baby sloths, particularly dumb kittens, and particularly lethal six-legged flying robots could seem to be, but right now, each thud thud thud of metal against glass is reverberating in his skull, indicative of a massive oncoming migraine. He reaches for the nearest gun, which happens to be tucked in Nathasha Romanov's thigh holster and aims towards his 5 o' clock. Three shots ring out. 

Steve stares, eyes wide as saucers, at this man with enough guts to even think of touching the Widow's weapons. He knows she could have broken his arm if she wanted to, so there is no point intervening. He heard the man shoot three times, two to break the bulletproof panes, and one at a sensitive joint on the robot's mainframe, but only a single bullet-hole is visible on the glass. Steve wonders if he has suddenly developed a gun kink. 

He is only slightly bitter that the man has forgotten him and moved onto Nat. (He just wants tips on his offensive, obviously, no other reason, of course). Hawkeye lets out a low whistle and looks equal parts alarmed and vaguely horny. Tony is drinking mimosa from a straw attached to his left leg armour. Thor is looking at him, and smiling meaningfully. 'WHat?' Steve whisper-shouts, worried that his face has betrayed how he feels too openly. The rest of the team knows he is bisexual, but there is no point scaring off a simple HR worker (who shoots like Hawkeye and looks like a movie star) now, is it? Thor just gives him a thumbs up and mouths 'yes'. 

Natasha raises a perfectly arched brow at the man and nods slightly. "soldier", she deduces. He nods in assent and clicks his heels before delivering a sharp salute. "Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes of the 107th squadron, special ops, sniper, ma'am". She smirks at him before tucking her gun back into some mysterious pocket of her suit, and reaches to straighten his tie, "no pointers for me?" she asks, and her voice was almost smiling. Fond. HR Hottie- James- just shrugs. "you're cool. spar with me sometime?" and she imperceptibly preens before pulling him by his tie and whispering a "never touch my fucking guns again" into his ear and then letting him go. The falcon seems to realise something important, and Steve can see the moment when the metaphorical lightbulb flickers on inside his head. "aHAA! I know you!" he says, taking off his goggles and pointing excitedly at "Bucky? Right?" (what the fuck, Steve thinks, that's almost as bad as Gilbert). Bucky points back, also excitedly, "yoooooo. Wilson? From the VA?"  
"Man, you need to work on your anger issues"  
"And you need to work on your catering. The brownies at the last session made my teeth fall off". They do a complicated handshake and bro-hug (Tony had recently introduced Steve to Urban Dictionary. His wig has been completely and utterly snatched) 

Bucky then looks around the room (and makes 0.05 seconds of eye contact with Steve, and his eyes were so deep and grey and hot that Steve's suit feels a little tight) and then turns around, as if to go back to his desk. "Wait, James! what about me?!" Steve blurts out, reddening because wow he has absolutely no fucking chill, and shuts his mouth with an audible clack. Tony sniggers so hard he's snorting mimosa out of his nose. Bucky turns around, squaring his shoulders as if he's going into battle and strides up to him. "Call me Bucky" he says, and then to everyone's delight (and to Bucky's own horror), he blushes. Two tiny blotches of pink appear on his cheeks before he hides them behind his hair. When he speaks, he sounds high-pitched and nervous, "you're alright too, Cap. Just resist engaging till target has been scanned and approved by your resident sharpshooter". Steve kind of wants James- Bucky- to be on his six. His own resident sharpshooter. He wants to run his hands through Bucky's hair- is it as soft as it looks?- and take him out to the movies and cuddle him on the sofa. "Um", he replies (he is beauty, he is grace, and oh great, now Tony's laughing in his face). "Yeah?" Bucky prompts, the absolute saint. Steve wants to reply with something sincere and/or witty. Think brain, Think. He ends up fingergunning and saying "I promise". It probably does nothing at all to establish a cool, laid-back persona in front of this feisty young man he wants so desperately to impress. Bucky just smiles a shy smile, and wow. Steve's breath hitches, and he knows his ears are pink. He is well on his way to having an fucking asthma attack when Tony clears his throat, "you really work for me? You're fired. You're too goddamn powerful". Steve knows that he's joking, but an idea strikes him. "I think you're right Tony". Now everyone looks at him, confused (and Bucky looks so cute with that slight crease between his eyebrows oh my go-), and he continues, "I'd like to offer you a job, Sergeant. Phil Coulson's not really around anymore, and you know our dynamics like the back of your hand. What do you think about supervising the Avenger's initiative?". 

Bucky's eyebrows draw together and he looks thoughtful before he says, "actually, Director Coulson vetted and hired me, and I'm not sure how Zombie Daddy is going to feel about this change in position. He doesn't like taking interviews" which was met with a gleeful "Zombie Daddy? I like him. We gotta keep him Cap" from Tony, a disdainful "he never lets ME call him that in public" from Clint and an appreciative "so YOU are codename: winter soldier" from Nat. 

Steve is saved from his beet-red embarrassment by a loud snoring voice emanating from a corner of the room. Upon further inspection, it seems to be coming from a purple supervillian burrito that worked late into night perfecting his plans of world domination. Goddamned millenials. The Avengers give each other familiar, post-mission glances that can only mean One Thing. "Not it!", Sam, Nat, Clint and Tony yell in quick succession before darting towards the elevator. Thor smiles, all Good Natured Norse Beef, and hauls ol' Gilbert over his shoulder before turning towards Steve and winking exaggeratedly, "CAPTAIN, YOU MUST TELL OUR FRIEND SERGEANT ALL ABOUT THE JOB". He too walks towards the lift, but not before giving them a look that screams "NOW KISS". Turns out, five people collectively snickering (Thor's amusement, however, can be best described as Booming Laughter) could overcome a Stark elevator's soundproofing technology.

"So uh" Bucky flounders, obviously the braver out of the two, because Steve just can't seem to be able to stop oogling at his face, and this startles him out of his reverie "I'll handle Coulson. And if you still want to continue on the filework", which makes Bucky perk up, and it makes sense that their handler would want to analyze their missions in that manner, "I reckon the quinjet has more comfortable seating than your cubicle". Bucky looks ready to jump aboard the offer but hesitates, frowning, and says in a small, morose voice, "I don't think I should Cap. My judgment is compromised. I couldn't be unbiased to all the teammates". Oh no, Steve thinks, this was what he'd been fearing all along. He clears his throat and goes with a neutral "and why is that so?" but Bucky just resolutely looked him in the eye and says "I think I like one of the avengers. A lot". 

It was one thing thinking about it and another to hear his suspicions being confirmed but it feels devastating nonetheless. He has just met this man, but Bucky is the only person in the twenty first century that has sparked any interest in him, and now he knows he likes Natasha. But he has to be professional about this. His little infatuation shouldn't have to cost the team a valuable asset. He would get over it, eventually. Maybe. Or he could just go live in the mountains in Nepal forever, Bruce said they had great cuisine. He steels his face into what he considers to be his Please Buy War Bonds From Me Face, with a complimentary Semi Reassuring Smile that Sam says looks rather constipated, and says "That's alright Buck, I- we don't mind. The Avengers are more family than anything. Clint and Phil were dating since back when he was our handler and it did not interfere with our job in any way. But uh, I should tell you, I think Sam and Nat are, you know, courting". Bucky, however, does not seem subdued by that information. On the contrary, he starts grinning widely. "I know that. Sam keeps gushing about this bad ass redhead who could kill him with his pinkie at the VA, and I kinda pieced it together". He's a lot closer than he was, an arm's length away from Steve when it hits him. "oh. OHH. Is it? The avenger you uh. Like. Me?" he's squeaking by the end of the sentence and Bucky blushes, but rolls his eyes, "no, it's the ten other dorito shaped superhumans I fantasize about, you punk". Now Steve is blushing too and his grin is so wide his face could splitting into two, "you fantasize about me Buck?". Bucky smirks, leans in and whispers "shut up and kiss me, Stevie" into his ear. Steve shivers. It's rather cold in this Jarvis-Thermoregulated tower room, isn't it. In May. "jerk" he says, vocabulary fast disappearing, but obliges him and leans in himself. Bucky's heart is beating a mile a minute and Steve's breath is coming short and quick and Bucky's fingers are cradling Steve's jaw and Steve's hands are resting, firm and sure on Buck's waist and the moment is positively buzzing with electricity when- FUCkinG cRAZY FROG starts blasting through the speakers. 

"Look at you". The infliction of tone can only belong to an Italian Grandma or the Most Aggravating Avenger. "My little sons are all grown up" Tony's voice cooes from the speakers, and a simultaneous "Tony No" is screamed by two voices that can only belong to Pepper Potts and Bruce Banner, a.k.a. the paragons of logic and good behavior (apart from the destroying everything in their vicinity when they get angry part) in this spandex kitty party. Faint snickering and not so faint Booming Laughter can be heard in the background. 

Bucky is. Not pleased with the turn of events. It was going so well. Ugh. "Shut the fuck up Swiss Knife, and stop creeping on us through the surveillance camera, jeez." Steve has his face buried in Bucky's shoulder, shaking with laughter, but he slowly reaches for his shield, and throws it at the first camera. It ricochets off the walls twice, and is caught by his outstretched palm. All three security cameras are a mangled mess of wires. Bucky wants to climb him like a tree and never fucking let go. Some of that sentiment must show on his face because Steve blushes, now suddenly shy, and asks him to dinner. "Maybe it's a sign. I wanna do this properly", he says, all gentlemanly, and Bucky damn near swoons. 

Instead he draws him close and says in the most serious voice he can manage, "only on one condition, Cap". "And what is that?" Steve asks, in the same tone one might say 'I would literally pluck the moon out, or at the very least, sell my kidney for you'. It is all very romantic, in a surprisingly golden retriever way. Bucky smiles, the net has been cast and the star spangled fish swam right into it, "you wear a goddamn motherfucking parachute from now on, capiche?". 

Twelve floors above them, listening to this heartwarming and landmark conversation in a totally non creepy way with the rest of the avengers, Sam thinks he might just build a shrine to this Bucky guy. At the very least, he could ask Darlene Wilson to bake them all some brownies.

**Author's Note:**

> This is set sometime after the ^mysterious^ fall of Shield and Hydra mwuhahaha but Bucky is a veteran (captured by hydra, but does not have the serum). Thor and Bruce are post Ragnarok. It's light-hearted and absurd and my first attempt at a fan-fic. I've recently changed my diet to Ao3 comments only. I hope you get a laugh out of it. Tell me if I should correct something or plan a sequel!  
> Au Revoir, Plastics <3


End file.
